


Walking

by UndressedHeart



Category: B.A.P
Genre: ? - Freeform, Angst, Break Up, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, a bit of nsfw, himchan pov, not /that/ sad tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 15:45:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12015921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UndressedHeart/pseuds/UndressedHeart
Summary: They broke up, that's it. Everything's over, maybe.





	Walking

**Author's Note:**

> Hiii ! 
> 
> I wrote this whle listening to Walking a day I was bored !  
> Hope you'll enjoy ♥ 
> 
> Also english insn't my main language, i'm sorry for the mistakes :(((

_**« Suddenly, I'm all alone on the street even all the stars are sleeping »** _

  
  


It's probably too early to be too late now and if the night made his way, the morning wasn't really far now. His fixed a soulless gaze on the way too full glass in front of him. It was reasonable. Reasonable ? It's not a word he know nor he understands ; there's nothing like that for him. The reason, she's gone a long time ago, _his_ reason, she left him. A sigh and the bitterness of his drink played in his throat. Sharp claws against his gullet, a grimace on his face and a little laugh. That glass, the one he shouldn't drink, the “you drank too much and you went beyond your limit” glass, that's how they call it and maybe this is the one he just drank. **“Himchan, are you ok ?"** a familiar voice reached him but a gesture of the hand sweeps any sound, any face. He doesn't know anyone tonight, not anymore, he decided to forget and if thought to be on a good way, errors will only be more painful. He stood up with difficulty maybe and the hands of his way too heavy watch were shaking at his wrist. The hour. It's not really important -nothing is important anymore, isn't it ?And maybe another laugh escaped from his lips. Maybe he seemed to be crazy, maybe he looked made but here he is, laughing, loud, too loud maybe. Eyes turned towards him but his alcoholic vision didn't help him to know if the tears were some smiles or if the smiles were some tears. He didn't care. Today, tonight, there was only him. Only his smile, only his tears. Too many tears. He passed one hand on his face, soft, tender maybe, certainly to reassure himself. He wiped his sweaty face and his courage finally caught, he left. Proud steps, straight walk, swagger on and his dignified look. He couldn't leave this place completely miserable, he couldn't appear like that in front of those billions gazes he didn't know. Miserable. It was the last thing he wanted to hear. The word already pierced his eardrums -the word already made his tears fall, never again he wanted to face it. Once had been enough to shake him. **“Jongup-ah, we're heading home !”** he shouted when he stepped outside, and when his sight blurred, he understood that it wasn't longer necessary to be deceived.  
Jongup wasn't here anymore.

  
  


_**« Sometimes, I miss you »** _

  
  


The younger's presence was important. He always had been there. Years and years that his laugh went along with Himchan's, years and years that he shared theire shadows. But tonight, he wasn't here. Himchan forgot about it. He came here to drown his sorrow like an idiot in order to forget, in order to forget him but it was his departure that he erased, it's the lack that flew away, striking him in the face when he was back. Jongup, Jongup, Jongup. It was nothing, he will be here tomorrow, he will be here the day after, and the following days. But he won't be _here_ , in his arms, here where he want him to be. Jongup. He isn't even here to see the sky crying, to see the stars disappearing, to see the sun getting back his realm on the world. A smile while the rain caress his face. Jongup, we're going, he said but Jongup wasn't here and probably never will. He would like to confess it's his fault but his pride doesn't help and he can't even think about some apologizes. It's not his fault ; when you love, you love with the heart. You love the qualities, you love the defaults, you love everything coming you way. But sometimes it doesn't work. Today, it didn't work. Today, it's one of those days where forgetting was a way to remember a bit more his presence that disappeared.  
Today was a day where the rain was mixed with tears.

  
  


_**« I can't fall asleep, I'm walking until the dawn is over. Again today, I'm walking and repeating until I forget you »** _

  
  


It's a never ending. His steps are noisy against the pavement, his gaze is lost on the too bright Seoul. Thoughts are invasive, he's drowning, he's lost. He doesn't really know anymore. The rain, the dark, the sun, the clouds. He doesn't know what day it is, what time it is. He only knows about the hammer against his brain, he only remember about that thing tightening his stomach. He could become crazy. Days are repetitive, days are the same, empty again and again, empty of meaning, empty of life. His days are all the same, waking up with difficulties, sleeping his impossible, a tear, a smile, a forced happiness, a well to hide sadness. Because he had to feel better, because he needs to be strong. **“It's nothing hyung...”** they said. You recover from a love pain, you recover from sadness and nobody never died because of his sorrow. It's stupid. Yelling about the lost love, that's not for him, he's too old, he doesn't have time anymore for this. Now, he needs to find someone, a ring around his finger, children running around him. He's too old now to hope and believe that love is a thing that will fall on him if he's waiting for it, too old to dream if big stories and fairy tales. Reality is here to give him a few blows on his pretty face, to make him remember that youth isn't eternal and he couldn't keep going like that ; he is too old. It was beautiful, but it was nothing, it wasn't the real life, **“Isn't it, Himchan-ah ? You're going to find a beautiful wife, tell me, what do you thi...”** but already his mind was somewhere else. Already he had escaped. Already he had ran away. Will Jongup also love someone else ? Will Jongup forget him ? Does he have to lost himself in the arms of a woman, does he have to fond a family ? Was that the real reason of his departure, is that why he left so suddenly ?  
A sigh escaped.  
The fault was all his, right ?

  
  


_**« I still remember all of the memories with you. I miss you so much »** _

  
  


Sometimes, he misses him.  
He misses him way too much.  
So much that alcohol isn't enough to forget. So much that it's his lips against Jongup's that he remembers, his piercing gaze, his grin. He remembers easily his lips against his skin, his fingers drawing every muscles, caressing his abdomen. He remembers Jongup, against him, next to him, under him, in him. He remembers the wet kisses, the impetuous tongues, the never ending dances. He remembers how hot it was in the room, the sighs, the moans. He remembers the broken voice on the edge of the ecstasy. He remembers. Too many things, some memories he would like to maybe erase for real, some memories he would like to escape from. Sweet words whispered in the crook of his neck, discreet caresses when the world was alive around them. Gazes that talk way too much, their faces talking for them. A whole, a nothing. He remembers each of his gestures, each of his tenderness. He remember the younger as if it was yesterday that he rocked his soul between his fingers but hours and months fly by and all is left are his dreams and memories of a hot body against his, swaying of pleasure, screaming the love.

Love.  
He remembers too, about love. Sparkling eyes, noisy laughs and smiles enlightening his face...

  
  


_**« It's gonna be alright »** _

  
  


“ **Jonguppie...”** the temptation was too strong. His fingers slid on the screen without him really knowing what he was doing. How many times did he write and erase this name, today he gave in and what was more surprising maybe, it was the answer he received almost immediately. _We need to talk_ , he wrote and Himchan melted. The words were maybe a bit cliché and a laugh escaped his lips. Talking, right ? Discussions, there were a lot. About nothing and anything and probably more anything than nothing. Every subjects were serious for Jongup and Himchan should never fail to answer even if he didn't really know what the younger was going about. _We need to talk_ , he said but Himchan didn't really know about what he wanted to talk. He left saying it was over, that he will never come back but here he was, wanting to come back, here he was, suggesting the possibility to see each other again and Himchan, Himchan, he didn't understand. He frowned and his heart didn't stop to pound in his chest. A discussion ? What if he didn't want to... He sighed. And Himchan felt bad. His heart going faster, his breath being heavy. To see him, to see him...  
Again.  
To be with him.  
Gaze meeting one another, smile on each other faces.  
To be with him.  
It was maybe too much for Himchan who turned again and again in his bed. Jongup was the one who decided to leave, why would he need to come back -and “to come back” was just a dream.

The conversation, it was nothings. Screams, tears, misunderstandings. There wasn't a real discussion. Jongup only wanted to stand another time on Himchan's hope and he didn't accept it.  
To play. They knew how to do it and that's what destroyed them.  
To play. That's what they've done again, this night, when they saw each other for the last time.  
They played with fire. With their bodies. Tension and dignity, they both fell. Their lips met, caressed each other and they embraced their bodies. It was a last time, they said, just one more time that last all night. They played all night long, nobody will know, it was their secret but when the time chased away their precious hours, they became enemy once again.

  
  


_**« I put on a smile for no reason, I'm sure you’re doing well »** _

 


End file.
